Emotions as Messengers: A New Way To Understand Yourself

Emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when they’re big or uncomfortable, like anger and anxiety. However, whether they feel good or bad, all emotions are messengers. They’re giving us valuable information about what matters to us, what we need and where we might need to make a change. The trick isn’t to push emotions away, in fact, this often makes it worse. Instead, try to get curious about what they’re trying to say to you and go from there.

What are my emotions trying to tell me?

Positive emotions are usually easy to read. If you’re feeling a sense of fulfillment from engaging in a creative hobby, that’s a clear sign to keep making time for the hobby, right? It feels good, so your mind and body are telling you, “more of this please”.

Difficult emotions work in the same way, even though they don’t feel as nice. Frustration, stress, loneliness are also trying to tell us something important. The problem is, instead of trying to understand what the message is, we try to ignore them or change them. A more helpful approach is to pause, accept the feeling is there, and ask, “what is this trying to tell me about my needs right now?"

Take anger. Anger typically isn’t a pleasant experience in the body or mind. You might feel tense, hot and flooded with thoughts and say things you regret later. But underneath all that anger, is a signal that something important to you wasn’t respected. For example, it can be telling you that a boundary was crossed. Listening for the signal that anger is trying to point towards, helps you to address the underlying issues, such as setting clear boundaries or speaking up for yourself in a different way.

Loneliness is another one. Typically, loneliness is your bodies way of encouraging you to connect with someone. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s your mind and body nudging you towards meeting your social needs. The loneliness is showing you that belonging, and connections matter to you and it’s time to reach out to someone.

Anxiety can be complicated, but it often shows up to protect us. It’s your body trying to keep you safe from a potential threat, but it’s your job to decide whether the threat is perceived or reality. For example, feeling nervous about introducing yourself to new people is your brains way of trying to shield you from rejection. But, when you look at it closely, the actual risks of being rejected is usually very small. If the anxiety is also layered with feelings of loneliness, anxiety is saying “be careful”, while your values are saying “you need connection”.

Stress around work can carry a similar message. If you feel a sense of pressure to get a work project done perfectly, this might be a sign that the project really matters to you. Maybe it’s linked to a bigger goal, like getting a promotion. The pressure in the short term, can be helpful in keeping you focused. But in the long term, too much stress can backfire and lead to burnout, avoidance or procrastination. Too much stress may prevent us from reaching our goals, which is a cue to turn down the intensity of the emotion.

How do I listen to my emotions?

This is where coping skills come into play. Strategies, like mindfulness, giving yourself reassurance and self-compassion, can help take the edge off big emotions. Remember, the goal isn’t to erase hard feelings, like anxiety. Instead, it’s to reduce it enough to still do what matters to you, even while the feeling is there. Yes, it’s nerve wracking to say “hi” to strangers, but if you value social connections and want to make new friends, you can still anxiously introduce yourself with the right tools. It might be helpful to connect with a therapist to figure out which strategies are going to help you to respond to your emotions in a way that doesn’t prevent you from living a life that’s meaningful to you. So, if you want to feel a better sense of control over your emotions, speaking with a therapist to understand them, as well as exploring evidence-based strategies that work for you, is a great start.

Overall, we’re better off when we stop treating challenging emotions like the enemy. Think of them as messengers trying to protect you and keep you on track with your goals and what you value. Remember, our emotions guide us. When we listen to them without judgment, we get to choose how to respond to them in a way that lines up with the life we want to live.