Is People-Pleasing Running Your Life?

Many people struggle with people-pleasing patterns. But what does this look like? It might look like kindness on the outside, but inside it often leads to burnout, resentment, anxiety and losing touch with what you actually want for yourself. Want to know more about people-pleasing, like how it starts and how to stop the habit? Read on for more information to see if people-pleasing is present in your life and how to stop shrinking yourself.

How does people-pleasing start?

People-pleasing patterns usually starts in childhood as a learned way to get emotional needs met in a family where it may have been hard to find a sense of connection. Whether it was hard to find a sense of connection because of strict parenting or traumatic experiences, both can lead to a maladaptive unconscious belief that people pleasing is the only way to get your needs met. For example, you may have grown up with strict parents with high expectations and learned the only way to feel loved and accepted was by getting good grades. Traumatic upbringings of witnessing a caregiver being violent towards you or people you loved, might have also taught you to ‘walk on eggshells’ and to do what you can to keep them happy to protect yourself or others from the violence. The cultural or religious context of your upbringing may also have had an impact on developing people pleasing tendencies, particularly if you grow up with rigid rules about how you should behave socially or within your family. It’s not a one case fits all, different childhood experiences may lead to a person learning to go out of their way to please others as a way to foster a sense of connection or safety.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

It’s more common that people go about life for a while, before noticing their people pleasing behaviours and the emotional burden of constantly putting other people’s needs above their own. When people do become aware, it’s usually from a friend pointing it out or a therapist helping a client reflect on the impacts interpersonal dynamics are having on one’s emotional wellbeing. Common things that may indicate you’re engaging in people pleasing behaviours include:

·       Saying “yes” when you actually mean “no” but don’t want to disappoint someone

·       Feeling guilty or anxious before or after setting a boundary

·       Downplaying your own needs to keep the peace

·       Struggling to make decisions without asking for others what they think first

·       Apologising even when it’s not your fault

·       Replaying conversations, worrying if you upset someone

·       Feeling resentful later because you gave too much of yourself

A therapist might also wonder whether there are people-pleasing behaviours, especially after hearing comments such as “I don’t have enough time” or “I’m feeling burnout for no reason”. If any of the above resonates with you, it might be worth considering whether you’re engaging in people pleasing and what the impacts of this is on your life and whether to change it. Some people may choose not to, and that’s their right to decide.

How do I stop people-pleasing?

So, you’ve decided you want to change this pattern? Totally fair, especially if you’re sick of the negative impacts of people pleasing, such as the constant worry, overthinking, and maybe even feelings of resentment. Good news is, becoming aware of this often-unconscious pattern is half the battle! So, the first step is to take a moment to acknowledge this progress before taking the next big steps. After you’ve given yourself some appreciation, it’s time to tackle the next challenge: recognising unhelpful thoughts and behaviours. For example, a common one is the ‘mind-reading’ thought pattern, where you jump to assume someone is thinking and feeling a certain way about you. Take a second to pause, identify the unhelpful thinking style you’re using and take a moment to challenge yourself. Ask yourself: is there any evidence for this thought? Is there an alternative way to look at this?

Next, is to pick and begin asserting your boundaries. A boundary is simply deciding what is okay for you and what isn't, and then telling people about it in a clear, calm, and respectful way. That might sound like: "I can't do that this weekend, but I'm free next Saturday" or "I'm not drinking tonight, but I'd still love to catch up." Assertive doesn't mean aggressive or rude. It means being direct about your needs without over explaining or over apologising. The tricky part? You'll likely feel anxiety, guilt, or fear of disappointing someone right after you set a boundary. That's normal. People-pleasing worked to keep you safe, so your nervous system will resist when you do something new. The goal isn't to make the uncomfortable feeling disappear, it's to learn you can sit with it and overtime, it will get easier. Each time you tolerate the discomfort and stay true to yourself, you're teaching your brain that you can handle it. Over time, the anxiety gets quieter and your self-respect gets louder. You might like to use some healthy coping strategies, like grounding techniques or box breathing, to help you get through.

If this sounds difficult for you, consider reaching out to a counsellor for some extra support in addressing people-pleasing in a way that is tailored to you and goes at your own pace. Whether you’re trying to change this behaviour on your own, or with a therapist, it’s important to start small. Pick one low-stakes boundary this week and practice. And remember, you've already done the hardest part by deciding to change.